You May Die Today

In the big picture, what's it really matter?" I heard that comment in the barbershop today and it got me wondering. What does it all matter? The man who posited that question was talking about the Jayhawks loss in the first round of the NCAA Basketball tournament but I want to take it further. . .
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Does what we do here mean much . . . Do we really make that much a difference in the big picture. Does whether we win or lose the big game really mount to much? I mean, we are alive for such a blip of time. Think of it. How many people are leaving this plane of existence right now . . .and now. You no longer have property, you no longer walk the streets of your town, your favorite restaurant isn't yours anymore . . . people will cry at your passing, maybe even erect a monument or street sign but what did that life, your life, my life really accomplish?

If you were especially blessed you married and had children. If you ask me that is partly what the meaning of life is. Children have the amazing capacity to mirror our faults and our strong points. They come in to this world ready to work on themselves and they attack it with vigor. They are incredible at creating life, at imagining life, at causing life. But sometimes life beats us down and we lose that vigor. We become paralyzed with fear, we hesitate to hurt, to feel, to stumble . . .

What does our life matter in the big picture? I believe without a doubt that there is life after death. But I know I came here to learn, to grow, to change my focus, my karma, my breath, my brain's firings, the thing that makes me me, and keeps me from being me. I need to find my source . . . my binary code, my God.

Why?

because . . .

You may die today. . . live life for God's sake . . .

You may die today . . . what would you want read about you in the paper? . . .

You may die today . . . . what haven't you done that you want to do?

You may die today . . . What haven't you forgiven that needs forgiving and what haven't you apologized for that needs apologizing . . .

You may die today . . . Thank God for all your many blessings and give thanks for life because . . .

You may die today.

So never stop the inquiry, never stop the quest to be better, to learn more . . . to find God.

In thy wind - in Thy light-
How insignificant is everything else,
how small are we - and how happy in that which alone is great.

Dag Hammerskjold

A single point in time

What do we an encounter with the divine? The person who even for an instant is in touch with that pure timeless state that Buddhists call nirvana. It is the I AM, Saint Augustine called it "That Which Is"; Saint Bernard, "the Energetic Word", Hegel called it "Absolute Spirit", The Atman, Yahwah, Allah, Jehovah, Krishna, Vishnu, Buddha, Christ and the Holy Spirit. It is called Enlightenment, it is my Awakening. I am beginning to wake from lifetimes of slumber. Distractions abound but I pound on the walls of my skin, aching to get out. I hold, hold, hold it back, stemming the tide, the flood, the deluge of love, possibility, the spark that is within me, burning to infinite nothingness. aching for a wisp of wind to fan it's all, its nothing, knowing that once burning it is unquenchable.

The Big Meeting

The day was Thursday, the time 10am. This was the day we'd scheduled to meet our banker.

Actually when I phoned her I was looking for a date the following week but she said, "how about tomorrow?" Whoa! I thought, but my lips said, "That sounds great. And here is why we need to meet with you . . ." I filled in the information that I talked about in the previous post and ended with . "we just want to get in integrity on our loan with you." She said " ok, that's great, I'll see you tomorrow!" I cultured my inward smile and peace as I hung up the phone to call Tricia that we were meeting with the banker tomorrow! What I didn't say was that we could lose our house. But she already knew that . . .

Tricia was as shocked as I that the meeting was for the very next day. But there was no doubt that we were creating our future financial and spiritual integrity with this first step.

I did some research and found all the worst case scenarios of what could happen to us: House taken away, Loan declared due, Jail time! But strange as it seems I was in a blissful state of serenity. I realized we could lose our house and God forbid get jail time but I knew this was the path God intended we take. Best case is that we'd have to refigure our loan at a higher interest rate. Or maybe something else that we weren't prepared for.

Now realize that this was all due to a really small amount of money Tricia made from childcare. But it was a lie and one we had to clean up. It was almost as if God was giving me peace for our decision.

So come Thursday morning, I drove our son to daycare, kissed him goodbye, and set out toward work for an hour of editing.

I met Tricia downtown, she was having coffee with a friend, and we caravanned to the bank. As she followed me in the van I called her on the phone to let her know how much I love her and that this was no big deal, that God only gives you things that you can handle, and that this is something we can easily deal with. I was really at peace and filled with the sense that Tricia and I were on a higher path and one that furthered our incredible love and partnership.

In meeting with our banker there was an immediate sense of peace. Our banker was very disarming and made us feel comfortable. I started us off in conversation, as Tricia was afraid she'd start crying. I spoke about the discrepancy in our loan application, that we'd filed an amended tax return for the year we applied for the loan and that we wanted to get back in integrity. Long story short, our banker absolved us saying that the amount in question was not enough to throw us out of the program and that all was good. She said that she really appreciated that we disclosed the info and that was it. All the fear and weight of being out of Integrity gone. We were free. We left the bank filled with love for each other and full of the love of God.

Money or Integrity?

I'm scared. It's one of the hardest decisions I've made. But now that I've decided I'm free.

Two years ago, in order to buy a house, my wife and I fudged a little bit on our statement of income. There was some extra under the table income that we didn't report in order to qualify for a first time home owners program. It wasn't a huge amount, money made from childcare, but suffice it to say we were doing whatever it took to get in to a house. In our market the prices are incredibly high and this particular house rose magically out of the myriad of others as "our house." We had to have it.

Now, two years later,incredible feelings of guilt, sadness and lack of integrity rocked my wife's world. She contacted an accountant and got the ball moving to file an amended tax return for said year. The next step was a personal choice for Tricia and I and we needed to talk about it. We had to decide whether to come clean with our banker and ultimately with God.

In a serious but centered conversation, Tricia said she really felt moved to, no matter the consequences, to approach the bank and clean up our mistatement. I immediately rose to our defense and tried to convince, cajole and guilt her in to not doing this. I was so afraid we'd lose our house and that we'd be renting again. Deep down inside me I was feeling out of integrity as well and I knew this wasn't in allignment with my path toward God, but I thought for a few agonizing minutes that I could live with it. My wife sat there, tears rolling down her face, racked with guilt wanting to do the right thing. And here I was doing everything to convince her not to take the higher path. As if a light turned on I heard a voice saying, "it is the higher path." I was overwhelmed with love and all that is right in the world, I said out loud, "It is the higher path Tricia. I'm sorry I've been trying to convince you otherwise." There was no doubt.

The higher path. What is that? How do you know what the higher path is. That's easy. If there's one iota of doubt, fear, hesitation that what you're going to do, or what you have done isn't right, the opposite is the higher path. The higher path furthers you as a person and furthers your soul. It's not neccesarily the easier path. Hardly. As in this case the higher path sent me into apoplectic fear.
I was operating from the Ego the Id, absolute survival. As soon as I shifted in to the higher path I felt absolved, washed clean and at peace.


Now it's time to contact our banker! I am ready.

What does it all mean?

I've been contemplating my shortening time here on our great blue marble. I look at what I've done and what I haven't done and I'm not satisfied. Don't get me wrong, I have incredible experiences, a family I love more than anything, great relationships, a job that fulfulls me, I've climbed mountains, canoed peaceful rivers, dove on the reefs of Honduras and Belize . . . but . . . Is that all there is? When I honestly look at the sum of my life it comes up short. So just what am I looking for?

I've really started down the path I was on in my youth and 20s. That path was focused on the spirtual quest to know self and know God.

Do you know how getting back on that path feels? Have you ever gone back to some old stomping grounds?; A place from your childhood or college days that you loved but thats been off the radar of your life. You go back and easily slide into the familiar groove. It's not solid or absolute, it feels kinda dreamlike, but you know your way. Well, that's how I feel getting back on the path of spirituality. My meditations have quickly gotten deeper, my thought processes have become more and more peaceful and God centered. The touch of God in my life has become more easily apparent. I'm more frequently at peace.

For me, this is what life is all about. This is what it means.

This is the quest that we all yearn for but it's so easy to get sidetracked. Pressures to succeed and pressures to get connected, buy a car, get a house, have kids. I've always been looking for the next thing. I thought if only I had a ___________, life would be perfect. But I'd get that thing and life was the same! And I'd desperately search for that next thing whatever it was. I was like a hamster on a wheel. Always running in the same place not realizing I was going nowhere. Then one day I had the realization that we are exactly where we are supposed to be! There is nowhere to go but here. There is nowhere to look but inward. We have everything we need in life within.

The time to open my eyes is now. The time to make a difference in life is now. The time to serve others and God is in the ever present now.

Morning Constitutional

I began my morning gift to myself. That is to do daily yoga and meditation. I've been easing back in to the routine of meditation for the last several weeks and my soul and spirit have been loving it. However my body was crying out for attention so I've answered the plea. I stretched and did yoga for 20 minutes and am planning on working up to 45 minutes per day. Even the small amount I did this morning has made the creaks and groans go away.

My plan is to get my body back in to some sort of shape and begin taking formal yoga classes. I will begin taking Iyengar yoga classes in April. I can hardly wait.

Your Sacred Life

Abraham Maslow said, "The great lesson is that the sacred is in the ordinary, that it is to be found in one's daily life, in one's neighbor's, friends, and family, in one's back yard."

I don't know about you but I often look to find things sacred to appear like an especially holy soul, a quiet meadow with golden sunlight, a church filled with clouds of incense, a meditating monk, a once in a lifetime feeling of oneness with God. But we are hardly ever in the perfect space, mentally or physically. Life has a way of wearing us down, the daily grind. I've started to know and appreciate the holiness, the sacred in my day to day existence.

I woke up the other night to the sound of my son calling out in fear, caused by a bad dream. I groaned as I got up and padded cross the carpet of my bedroom, trying to proceed quietly so as not to disturb my sleeping loved one. As I entered my son's room his figure rose from the middle of a tangle of blankets and his arms reached out to me as he said, "hold me Dad!" At that moment I was struck with an explosion of love and a sense of oneness with the world. This exquisite being, my son, was allowing me to be the one to calm his fears, the one to hold his hand, the one to make a difference. What a responsibility, what an honor.

When I truly stop and let down the walls of fear, the years of accumulated stress, the thoughts that I'll never be who I want to be, or I'll never have what I think I need to have, I begin to appreciate the gift I've been given. The gift is the experience of life. The gift is seeing the actions of God in others, seeing the eyes of God in others. When I'm centered and contemplative I see God in the littliest of things.

"Thank you Dad," my son said to me, and he nestled down in his blankets holding his Panda bear in a warm embrace. I kissed him gently on the head and he was fast asleep. As I made my way back to bed, joining the warm curve of my love, I thanked God for the many blessings in my life. I am surrounded by the sacred.

You Are Powerful

A quick realization . . . You are in absolute control over how you feel. If you feel tired, put upon, depressed because of something in life that you feel you have no control over . . . Just choose it! I'm serious. If you look at a lot of things in life that you complain about, relationships, money, jobs etc., if you simply own the fact that it's yours and you chose it, the complaint goes away.

I have an aspect of my job that I wrote about in a previous blog that until recently has driven me crazy. It's doing the early morning weathercast at the station. For about 2 1/2 hours I do the same thing over and over and over again. It's like the movie Groundhog Day. Each day was dragging and I was bored. It turned around when I chose it! I simply accepted that it's a part of my awesome job, and that I was in control of my life and this was a part of my life that I choose fully. I now have a blast with it. I banter with our meteorologist during breaks and otherwise entertain myself, challenge myself, and I find the job I do is more fun. I also am doing a better job at it.

So choose what you do! And what you don't choose? Choose to change it!

Is it safe to eat beef anymore?

I used to love a good slice of roast beef, a tasty steak or a juicy hamburger. But about a year ago I watched a video of how cows are slaughtered and processed and my wife Tricia and I decided enough is enough. We torture our cows to death and they are processed in horrible, potentially disease ridden places. It is only a matter of years before people start showing signs of mad cow. I think the danger is upon us already. I just came accross an article that pretty much states the case for why I don't eat beef, or most any meat for that matter, for health and ethical reasons.

Also, as a society we spend way too much money raising cattle to supply the ridiculous notion that we need the protein that meat supplies to survive. It doesn't take much sustenance for us as a species to survive in a healthy manner. We eat way too much, the portions are huge and our body is sloughing off most of what we shove in. Frankly it's disgusting.

Here are some statistics I found to think about.

Number of people worldwide who will die as a result of malnutrition this year: 20 million.

Number of people who could be adequately fed using land freed if Americans reduced
their intake of meat by 10%: 100 million.

Percentage of corn grown in the U.S. eaten by livestock: 80.

Percentage of oats grown in the U.S. eaten by livestock: 95.

How frequently a child dies as a result of malnutrition: every 2.3 seconds.

Pounds of potatoes that can be grown on an acre: 40,000.

Pounds of beef produced on an acre: 250.

Percentage of U.S. farmland devoted to beef production: 56.

Pounds of grain and soybeans needed to produce a pound of beef: 16.

What good is meat for the body? ZERO! Contrary to popular belief, meat is not the type of protein that the body needs or utilizes.

So, why would you eat meat? There can only be one possible reason left to eat meat, and that would be taste! Let me ask you this question! In a world that is so rampid with disease and where one in every three people will get cancer, why would you want to eat something just for the taste when it can do your body not much good at all, and in fact will do more harm then good? For me the answer is simple!
"I don't!"

Think about cutting down the amount of meat you eat. Think about not eating beef at all anymore. It may just save your life.

The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated. -- Mohandas Gandhi

Get in the Game of Life!

Something I've been dwelling on for awhile, actually struggling with, is the disparity of living conditions in the world.

I was sitting down to breakfast not long ago with my wife and came across an article about Rwanda and the horrible ethnic genocide that's continuing there. I was just overwhelmed with a sense of grief and horror. How could that be happening on the planet while I'm sitting warm and safe in my kitchen eating a bagel with cream cheese? I was really struck with the overwhelming thought that until I accept the fact that on some level I'm just as responsible for the genocide as the person with the gun or machete it will always be. Until I own that horrible part of myself and humanity it's going to continue. Until I take steps to further myself, my neighbor, my community, it will always happen.

Martin Luther King said, "I cannot be who I ought to be until you are who you ought to be." How true. What a monumental statement. He was a person who shifted his focus of life from I to ALL. He lived his life out of possibility. The possibility that all humankind could be equal. So he made declarations that called him forth into action. He made declarations that transcended who his past declared him to be. He created possibilities that literally gave him the steps he needed to take in life to make those possibilites real. Those possibilites were too big and too threatening for some so he was killed.

So the challenge I'm taking on is to be courageous in life. To make declarations so bold that I am called forth to be so much bigger than myself. I'm going to use the time I have left on this planet to make a difference: with my son, with my wife, with my friends, with my community, country and world. I will be in action everyday to end war, end genocide, and help make our planet heaven on earth.

To sit idly by and watch TV, read the paper and comment offhandedly how terrible it all is, is to do nothing. We are so tempted to view it as a movie, a car wreck, with fascination and maybe a little sympathy. We need to own each others humanity. We need to realize that we are all one of the same family. My heart and soul breaks for the families lost, seperated and broken from the tsunami. I pray everyday for them, for us and for me. For we are all one.

Worldwide Changes About to Occur?

Here I am, It's 4:30am and I am sitting, waiting to punch us on air, direct and assist the morning meteorologist to dispense weather info to the masses of Lawrence and surrounding communities. I have the routine down pat, I do it with purpose but in a rote sort of way. It's a part of my job that I don't relish but it is a neccesity for the station and one us 5 directors all share. But setting here doing this with so much else going on in the world is difficult for me. How to not be overwhelmed at the changes, the happenings, the injustices and the suffering?

The war, the tsunami, the flooding in Europe, the flooding in California, the ice shelf's increasing self annihalation, the slowing of the oceans' currents, the individual atrocities that bombard us every single day on the airwaves. They seem to be coming to a head. The earth is starting to fight back at our disregard. God is starting to teach us in bigger and bigger ways.

I've always been one to listen to the messages God sends me. Or at least be aware of the fact that God can and does talk to us in little ways. When one is open to it you start to notice some sort of guidance, nudges and sometimes pushes to go in a certain direction. I've always shared with friends that sometimes when God is trying to teach you a specific thing you'll start to notice a repeated pattern, happening or thought that occurs over and over and over until you finally get it. When you don't get it God sometimes deals you a haymaker upside the head. This might appear as a car wreck, a blown knee, a broken marriage or the death of a loved one. I'm not saying God does these things to us, or others willy nilly without our acceptance. All of us on always agree on what happens to us. We create our own reality and our soul always . . . ALWAYS knows best. It is through the soul that God talks to us and guides us in ways miraculous.

What does all this have to do with what is going on in the world right now? Everything! God is dealing us all a haymaker! We have all agreed on a mass, worldwide scale to have the craziness, horror, terrifying conditions rain down on us. We have crossed a threshold that we'll be hard pressed to back away from. Are you ready?

I've Got A Best Friend Back!

Saturday I swallowed misplaced pride, jealousy and all round silliness and made a call that has freed up my clogged spirit.

One of My best friends in life has not truly been a part of my life for the last 10 years. Whoah! Just putting that in words is so hard to believe. You see Rich and I are friends that have gone through journies of being that create bonds at many different levels.

We were roomates in a house of 5 guys while going to school. During that time 3 of us delved into what the nature of reality was, who was God and just what the Hell is the meaning of life. I remember hours spent on our back porch shelling peanuts, drinking beer and engaging in awesome discourse. We even went so far as to try an alternate sleep schedule to stimulate our spiritual creativity. We'd get up 3 or 4 hours after going to bed, study, eat, talk and then sleep for a few more hours. Simply put we would sleep 3 times in a 24 hour time period. It absolutly stimulated dreams but wasn't the best for making sure I got to my 7:30am class on time.
As I recalled it lasted about 1 month.

Another venture we had was to develop our ability to control our dreams and achieve frequent lucid dreaming states. This was very succesful but what it really did was pave the way for Out of Body Experiences, OBEs for short. We had incredible journies, altered states and spiritual epiphanies.

Another incredible shared eperience was with several of the courses offered by Landmark Education. These were courses that revolved around what it means to be human. The study of Ontology. They were incredible ventures that pushed me to the limits. I never have been more fulfilled, I never have been so scared. They truly have allowed me to create incredible possibities. But it all ended when Rich left town. I had some strange kind of shift go on, and as always happened in my life when someone left town, I slowly withdrew communication. In short, I've had an incredible breakthrough as to why I do this and I'll write more on this in a future blog. But it's been a couple of weeks since I started writing and need to post this blog.

I called Rich and in over an hour and a half conversation made peace, caught up, and forged a new friendship. He's an amazing human being on an amazing journey of self discovery and a journey toward God.

Peace

Neil

Authentic Ramblings

What the Bleep

I saw a movie not to long ago that got me wondering about reality. Does what we see, hear, feel and experience have any basis in reality or is it all experiential? The movie was called What the Bleep Do We Know?

It posited that our thoughts and feelings about ourselves, our environment and the people around us were shaped and affected at the quantum level. For instance, my turning 40 a couple years back seemed to start a cascade of ailments. A bad knee, migraines, etc. When I really took a look at my belief system surrounding the fact that I turned 40, some of the hidden conversations in my head surprised me. I was actually telling myself that it was time to stop taking risks physically as my body was getting old, easily broken and weak. As soon as I recognized those thought patterns (aided by my incredibly loving and powerful wife Tricia) I stopped having all the symptoms, stopped taking all the medications and have lost 30 pounds. How's that for perceptions and internal conversations affecting reality!

I really believe, and as you can see, have experienced that as human beings, we have enormous power that has been untapped. Being able to develop that through awareness is part of the attraction of this inward focus. Just by thinking about it, we can make changes. The more we become aware of our life shaping ability, the more we see, acknowledge and accept those changes. It becomes a steamroller in the sense that our reality positively feeds back a response.

Our very words and thoughts move nature to respond in kind. Say a kind word . . . if only to yourself.

The Possibilites Are Endless!!

I've been contemplating starting a blog for several years now but have been somewhat hesitant to do so. I've gone through several rationales both pro and con. I won't detail my thought process but suffice it to say that each and everyone of us has something to say and what we say makes a difference in life with people.

It's only through speaking that we touch the fabric of our world. Truly, by speaking we set in motion the ability to create our reality, the ability to affect our universe and the charge to make a difference in the world. This blog will be a reflection of my speaking in the world. It will reflect the ownership of my voice, my power and my responsibility in the world. One of the possibilities I am in life is the possiblity of love in action through communication. I thank you for giving me the space and the honor of your listening.

Neil