Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Choosing Inner Peace

I was maniacally driving down the road when it struck me. . . There is no meaning of life, there is no place to get to, you are just where you are and where you are is perfect.

These thoughts hit me in the beginning of a crazy day.

It had started with my lovely wife choosing to let me sleep in, but on a day when I could ill afford the extra winks. She had gone on to work and I was rising up from deep dreams to the oh so familiar, "Mom, Dad, is it morning-time?" I glanced at the clock and it was 7:40. Sh#*, I was running late, I had to get my son dressed, fed, to school and me to work, in time to be at a video shoot by 9am. This is not good.

I frantically jumped out of bed running to my son Eli's room, tripping over his container of hot wheels and like a whirling dervish flew around his room grabbing underwear, pants, t-shirts, socks, and his oh so important Converse Hi-tops. My patience was at an all-time low and the looming deadline was driving me, making me short-tempered.

"Dad, these socks feel funny, I'm hungry, I want the Spiderman shirt."

Coming rapid fire his protests and assertions thwarted my every effort to make him go faster.

Isn't it funny our cute little bundles of love, our angels who could do no wrong, know exactly when we need them to pick up the pace, and at these times they occur to us as purposefully thwarting our every move?

I try to be a good person, to elevate my emotions and take the higher path yet I judge, evaluate, denigrate, instigate, and spend a lot of time not being who I say I am. I say I am a spiritual, considerate human being, but I catch myself cussing at people who seemingly cut me off. I lose my temper just because my son dare have an opinion on what t-shirt he wants to wear. I have no patience.

However, today I caught myself and shifted the mood to one of understanding. I allowed myself to let go, be late, lose my agenda and just go with the flow. When someone cut me off and I had to hit the brakes I just waved them onward understanding, knowing that that is what was supposed to be. Why allow it to alter my body chemistry, filling me with adrenaline as I yell or cuss inwardly.

As we drove toward school my son in the backseat, staring intently out the window at passing interests, looked so smart, so old, no longer the little baby I rocked and dipped only 4 years ago. He caught me looking at him in the rearview mirror and flashed me a warm smile. I smiled back and then said, "Buddy, I'm sorry I was so grumpy and impatient with you this morning." He looked straight at me and replied, "That's ok Dad, I wasn't being very good either." "Let's make a deal," I said, "If either of us is grumpy in the morning again, let's remind each other that there is no hurry and there's really nowhere to get to." He kind of looked at me with the kind of look only a 5 year old can produce. A little puzzled but all-knowing at the same time. "OK Dad, let's do that." Another round of warm smiles and on with our trip to school.

Today is the moment, the moment to appreciate, the moment to act. So give up the agenda, smile and realize that our place on earth is one to show love, patience and understanding but most of all love.

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