The day was Thursday, the time 10am. This was the day we'd scheduled to meet our banker.
Actually when I phoned her I was looking for a date the following week but she said, "how about tomorrow?" Whoa! I thought, but my lips said, "That sounds great. And here is why we need to meet with you . . ." I filled in the information that I talked about in the previous post and ended with . "we just want to get in integrity on our loan with you." She said " ok, that's great, I'll see you tomorrow!" I cultured my inward smile and peace as I hung up the phone to call Tricia that we were meeting with the banker tomorrow! What I didn't say was that we could lose our house. But she already knew that . . .
Tricia was as shocked as I that the meeting was for the very next day. But there was no doubt that we were creating our future financial and spiritual integrity with this first step.
I did some research and found all the worst case scenarios of what could happen to us: House taken away, Loan declared due, Jail time! But strange as it seems I was in a blissful state of serenity. I realized we could lose our house and God forbid get jail time but I knew this was the path God intended we take. Best case is that we'd have to refigure our loan at a higher interest rate. Or maybe something else that we weren't prepared for.
Now realize that this was all due to a really small amount of money Tricia made from childcare. But it was a lie and one we had to clean up. It was almost as if God was giving me peace for our decision.
So come Thursday morning, I drove our son to daycare, kissed him goodbye, and set out toward work for an hour of editing.
I met Tricia downtown, she was having coffee with a friend, and we caravanned to the bank. As she followed me in the van I called her on the phone to let her know how much I love her and that this was no big deal, that God only gives you things that you can handle, and that this is something we can easily deal with. I was really at peace and filled with the sense that Tricia and I were on a higher path and one that furthered our incredible love and partnership.
In meeting with our banker there was an immediate sense of peace. Our banker was very disarming and made us feel comfortable. I started us off in conversation, as Tricia was afraid she'd start crying. I spoke about the discrepancy in our loan application, that we'd filed an amended tax return for the year we applied for the loan and that we wanted to get back in integrity. Long story short, our banker absolved us saying that the amount in question was not enough to throw us out of the program and that all was good. She said that she really appreciated that we disclosed the info and that was it. All the fear and weight of being out of Integrity gone. We were free. We left the bank filled with love for each other and full of the love of God.
Sunday, February 13, 2005
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
Money or Integrity?
I'm scared. It's one of the hardest decisions I've made. But now that I've decided I'm free.
Two years ago, in order to buy a house, my wife and I fudged a little bit on our statement of income. There was some extra under the table income that we didn't report in order to qualify for a first time home owners program. It wasn't a huge amount, money made from childcare, but suffice it to say we were doing whatever it took to get in to a house. In our market the prices are incredibly high and this particular house rose magically out of the myriad of others as "our house." We had to have it.
Now, two years later,incredible feelings of guilt, sadness and lack of integrity rocked my wife's world. She contacted an accountant and got the ball moving to file an amended tax return for said year. The next step was a personal choice for Tricia and I and we needed to talk about it. We had to decide whether to come clean with our banker and ultimately with God.
In a serious but centered conversation, Tricia said she really felt moved to, no matter the consequences, to approach the bank and clean up our mistatement. I immediately rose to our defense and tried to convince, cajole and guilt her in to not doing this. I was so afraid we'd lose our house and that we'd be renting again. Deep down inside me I was feeling out of integrity as well and I knew this wasn't in allignment with my path toward God, but I thought for a few agonizing minutes that I could live with it. My wife sat there, tears rolling down her face, racked with guilt wanting to do the right thing. And here I was doing everything to convince her not to take the higher path. As if a light turned on I heard a voice saying, "it is the higher path." I was overwhelmed with love and all that is right in the world, I said out loud, "It is the higher path Tricia. I'm sorry I've been trying to convince you otherwise." There was no doubt.
The higher path. What is that? How do you know what the higher path is. That's easy. If there's one iota of doubt, fear, hesitation that what you're going to do, or what you have done isn't right, the opposite is the higher path. The higher path furthers you as a person and furthers your soul. It's not neccesarily the easier path. Hardly. As in this case the higher path sent me into apoplectic fear.
I was operating from the Ego the Id, absolute survival. As soon as I shifted in to the higher path I felt absolved, washed clean and at peace.
Now it's time to contact our banker! I am ready.
Two years ago, in order to buy a house, my wife and I fudged a little bit on our statement of income. There was some extra under the table income that we didn't report in order to qualify for a first time home owners program. It wasn't a huge amount, money made from childcare, but suffice it to say we were doing whatever it took to get in to a house. In our market the prices are incredibly high and this particular house rose magically out of the myriad of others as "our house." We had to have it.
Now, two years later,incredible feelings of guilt, sadness and lack of integrity rocked my wife's world. She contacted an accountant and got the ball moving to file an amended tax return for said year. The next step was a personal choice for Tricia and I and we needed to talk about it. We had to decide whether to come clean with our banker and ultimately with God.
In a serious but centered conversation, Tricia said she really felt moved to, no matter the consequences, to approach the bank and clean up our mistatement. I immediately rose to our defense and tried to convince, cajole and guilt her in to not doing this. I was so afraid we'd lose our house and that we'd be renting again. Deep down inside me I was feeling out of integrity as well and I knew this wasn't in allignment with my path toward God, but I thought for a few agonizing minutes that I could live with it. My wife sat there, tears rolling down her face, racked with guilt wanting to do the right thing. And here I was doing everything to convince her not to take the higher path. As if a light turned on I heard a voice saying, "it is the higher path." I was overwhelmed with love and all that is right in the world, I said out loud, "It is the higher path Tricia. I'm sorry I've been trying to convince you otherwise." There was no doubt.
The higher path. What is that? How do you know what the higher path is. That's easy. If there's one iota of doubt, fear, hesitation that what you're going to do, or what you have done isn't right, the opposite is the higher path. The higher path furthers you as a person and furthers your soul. It's not neccesarily the easier path. Hardly. As in this case the higher path sent me into apoplectic fear.
I was operating from the Ego the Id, absolute survival. As soon as I shifted in to the higher path I felt absolved, washed clean and at peace.
Now it's time to contact our banker! I am ready.
Sunday, February 06, 2005
What does it all mean?
I've been contemplating my shortening time here on our great blue marble. I look at what I've done and what I haven't done and I'm not satisfied. Don't get me wrong, I have incredible experiences, a family I love more than anything, great relationships, a job that fulfulls me, I've climbed mountains, canoed peaceful rivers, dove on the reefs of Honduras and Belize . . . but . . . Is that all there is? When I honestly look at the sum of my life it comes up short. So just what am I looking for?
I've really started down the path I was on in my youth and 20s. That path was focused on the spirtual quest to know self and know God.
Do you know how getting back on that path feels? Have you ever gone back to some old stomping grounds?; A place from your childhood or college days that you loved but thats been off the radar of your life. You go back and easily slide into the familiar groove. It's not solid or absolute, it feels kinda dreamlike, but you know your way. Well, that's how I feel getting back on the path of spirituality. My meditations have quickly gotten deeper, my thought processes have become more and more peaceful and God centered. The touch of God in my life has become more easily apparent. I'm more frequently at peace.
For me, this is what life is all about. This is what it means.
This is the quest that we all yearn for but it's so easy to get sidetracked. Pressures to succeed and pressures to get connected, buy a car, get a house, have kids. I've always been looking for the next thing. I thought if only I had a ___________, life would be perfect. But I'd get that thing and life was the same! And I'd desperately search for that next thing whatever it was. I was like a hamster on a wheel. Always running in the same place not realizing I was going nowhere. Then one day I had the realization that we are exactly where we are supposed to be! There is nowhere to go but here. There is nowhere to look but inward. We have everything we need in life within.
The time to open my eyes is now. The time to make a difference in life is now. The time to serve others and God is in the ever present now.
I've really started down the path I was on in my youth and 20s. That path was focused on the spirtual quest to know self and know God.
Do you know how getting back on that path feels? Have you ever gone back to some old stomping grounds?; A place from your childhood or college days that you loved but thats been off the radar of your life. You go back and easily slide into the familiar groove. It's not solid or absolute, it feels kinda dreamlike, but you know your way. Well, that's how I feel getting back on the path of spirituality. My meditations have quickly gotten deeper, my thought processes have become more and more peaceful and God centered. The touch of God in my life has become more easily apparent. I'm more frequently at peace.
For me, this is what life is all about. This is what it means.
This is the quest that we all yearn for but it's so easy to get sidetracked. Pressures to succeed and pressures to get connected, buy a car, get a house, have kids. I've always been looking for the next thing. I thought if only I had a ___________, life would be perfect. But I'd get that thing and life was the same! And I'd desperately search for that next thing whatever it was. I was like a hamster on a wheel. Always running in the same place not realizing I was going nowhere. Then one day I had the realization that we are exactly where we are supposed to be! There is nowhere to go but here. There is nowhere to look but inward. We have everything we need in life within.
The time to open my eyes is now. The time to make a difference in life is now. The time to serve others and God is in the ever present now.
Friday, February 04, 2005
Morning Constitutional
I began my morning gift to myself. That is to do daily yoga and meditation. I've been easing back in to the routine of meditation for the last several weeks and my soul and spirit have been loving it. However my body was crying out for attention so I've answered the plea. I stretched and did yoga for 20 minutes and am planning on working up to 45 minutes per day. Even the small amount I did this morning has made the creaks and groans go away.
My plan is to get my body back in to some sort of shape and begin taking formal yoga classes. I will begin taking Iyengar yoga classes in April. I can hardly wait.
My plan is to get my body back in to some sort of shape and begin taking formal yoga classes. I will begin taking Iyengar yoga classes in April. I can hardly wait.
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